Tag: office jokes

Never loose the opportunity

A Manager, his Assistant, an old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and became temporary friends.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap.

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.

The Manager is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

The Old woman is thinking : “These Managers are all crazy after young girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.”

The Young girl is thinking : “The Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.”

The Manager is thinking : “Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.”

Now guess what the Assistant is thinking.

The Assistant is thinking………..

“I hope this train goes through another tunnel soon… Then I will make another kissing sound and slap my Manager even harder. This Rascal keeps harassing me too much in the Office”.😂

A corporate story: Parrots

Corporate story…..

Once a man goes to a shop to buy parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot:

Shop owner: RS. 500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What’s the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: RS. 1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what’s the price of this parrot which is sleeping?

Shop owner: That’s for RS. 5000 Customer: And what does it know?

Shop owner: That I don’t know, I haven’t seen him do anything, but the other two parrots call him Boss.

True review of the concert

The CEO of a large multinational company fell ill on a day when he had tickets to see a grand concert.

As a gesture of kindness, he gave the tickets to the company’s Efficiency Expert to enjoy the concert with his wife.

Next morning, the CEO was surprised to find a report on his table, written by their Efficiency Expert and this is what it said:

Dear Sir,

Thank you for sending me to the concert last evening with my wife. My observations are as follows:

The highlight of the evening was Schubert’s unfinished symphony. Although personally I think unfinished works should be disqualified, I did watch the performance and here are some, but not all, of the malfunctions I found:

1. The most obvious problem was that they had 22 violinists playing the exact same tune. Such reckless waste! I believe that at least 21 of them should be fired.

2. The drummer was doing nothing for long stretches of time. I would suggest he be put on a different clock, so we can keep an eye on him and only pay him when he actually does any work.

3. Many of the musical segments kept repeating themselves, and I fail to understand the point of having the flutes play the same segment as the oboes. If we can cut down on these repetitions, we can finish the symphony in 20 minutes instead of 2 hours.

4. Regarding the equipment: I noticed a horrible lack of standardization when it comes to musical instruments, and especially when it comes to string instruments. I’ve seen small ones, big ones, one you hold under your chin and some you hold between your legs. I think that one size for all these instruments will save time, money and confusion, as well as make maintenance easier.

5. The conductor, the most senior employee, did not play as much as a single tune the entire concert, and showed a complete lack of respect to the customers, while standing with his back (his back!) to the audience. There were even a few times he was threatening his staff with a stick, which should never be allowed. I would suspend him with no pay until we can get to the bottom of this. Psychological counselling may be advised.

To summarize: I am quite sure that if Mr. Schubert had avoided these issues, he would have managed to finish his work, instead of leaving us with an unfinished symphony!

Kind regards,
Corporate Efficiency Enhance Expert…!!!😜

Marketing concepts – simplified

This is how a Professor explained Marketing Concepts to a class:

1. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party.
You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” – That’s Direct Marketing.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a Gorgeous Girl.
One of your friends goes upto her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich. Marry him!” – That’s Advertising.

3. You are at a party and see a Gorgeous Girl.

She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich! Can I marry you?” – That’s Brand Recognition.

4. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party.

You go upto her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. – That’s Customer Feedback.

5. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party.

You go upto her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. – That’s Demand and Supply Gap.

6. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party.

You go upto her and before you say: “I m rich, Marry me!”, your wife arrives. – That’s Restriction for Entering New Markets.

I hope Concepts are clear… Class is adjourned…….

Company secret language explained

*The language of Boss!!*

“We will do it.”,

means

” You will do it.”

“You have done a great job.”,

means

“More work will be given to you.”

“We are working on it.”,

means

“We have not yet started working on the same.”

“Tomorrow first thing in the morning . . .”,

means

“Its not getting done. At least not tomorrow !”.

“After discussion we will decide. I am very open to views.”,

means

“I have already decided. I will tell you what to do”

“There was a slight mis communication.”,

means

“We had actually lied.”

“We are on the right track, but there needs to be a fine-tuning of the deadline.”,

means

“The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”

“We had slight difference of opinion,”,

means

“We had actually fought.”

“We need to find out the real reason.”,

means

“Well, I will tell you where your fault is.”

“We are a team.”,

means

“I am not the only one to be blamed.”

“That’s, actually, a good question.”,

means

“I do not know anything about it.”

“All the Best!”,

means

“You are in trouble!”

.😜😜😜😜

How to answer an interview question brilliantly

Interviewer – so what’s your email ID?

Me – sir, abc@xyz.com

Interviewer – and password?

Me – 12345678

Interviewer – you shared such a confidential information so easily for the job. How can we trust that you will not share any confidential information of the company for some better offers?

Me – Sir, I might have shared my password with you but I don’t think you can still login to my email account. Let’s look for the possibilities. My password can be
12345678
Or
Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneight
Or
1twothreefourfivesixseveneight
1twothreefourfivesixseven8….. so on
Or
2444666668888888 (one 2, three 4….)
13355557777778 (1, two 3, four 5……, 8)….. so on
Or
Combination of all of these…

By the way, did I mention use of capitals?

Interviewer 🙏🏻

How much salary will you take my boss?
😜😄😄😎

The value of helmet

After graduating as an engineer with first class and getting a decent job in a regional engineering company,

under tremendous pressure from my family to get married,

I went to meet this girl under the arranged marriage system.

It was my first such experience of meeting a girl in such conditions. And the girl rejected me outright on my face.

I of course moved on and got married to another girl a year later.

After 20 years, I saw the same beautiful lady at a traffic signal with her husband in a brand new Audi.

And I was trying to kick-start my two wheeler because the battery start was not working.

She looked out of the car and briefly looked at me but without any hint of recognition, moves her eyes away!

At that moment, after driving a two wheeler for over 25 years, first time in my life I realized the value of a helmet 😂😂😂

So always wear a helmet in your own safety!
Issues in public interest by a concerned citizen

A management lesson

Management Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

..

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.

Management Lesson – To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.